Royal Rumble...?

'What the fuck just happened?'
- John Kanteen moments after the Royal Rumble went off the air.


On behalf of the entire staff here at 'Outside Interference Wrestling,' and as head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface, I must apologize to the OIW Nation for the lack of posts and videos and pictures and polls and what has come to be known in some social circles as '...the most pro-wrestling fun on the Internet.'

I offer no excuses and I expect no sympathy as head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface of OIW. However, my colleague, and assistant to the head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface, The Kidd will be appearing at the Broadway Mall and trying to come up with legitimate reasons for our absence in your lives and assuming that you'll understand why we hadn't found seven (7) minutes over the last month and a half to type out the results of a Friday Night Smackdown.

The important thing is that during our hiatus, I've realized that I hate John Cena. I don't mean that I hate John Cena, the human being; I mean I hate John Cena, the WWE product. I don't hate the product of John Cena because he can't wrestle as well as half the talent in the WWE locker room. I don't hate the product of John Cena because is the ONLY attempt at a major story-line on the Raw brand. I don't hate the product of John Cena because he is a poor man's The Rock. I hate John Cena because he is crammed down my throat and I don't have the ability to refuse.

I am a wrestling fan and no matter how bad the WWE may get, I'm watching their show every Monday night. I get the same feeling of excitement and rush of adrenaline on the Sunday of a Pay-Per-View as I got when I was a 12 years old. I think that a well-constructed wrestling match, like Chris Benoit v. JBL at Wrestlemania 22, is art. I appreciate the amount of work needed to put a wrestling match together by both the performers and the announcers. I think a well-written storyline can be more compelling that many Hollywood films.
After last night's Rumble, I find myself questioning whether something I truly enjoyed my entire life is something I can enjoy anymore. But, I will keep watching.

I heard John Cena's music hit as the 30th entry into the Royal Rumble match and I knew that the show was over. Four enjoyable months of Monday Night Raw were flushed down the toilet. Great. My subordinates and I here at OIW have our Wrestlemania 24 tickets but we no longer have our Wrestlemania 24 smiles. That mother-fucker's music hit and I knew as soon as I saw him take off his 'Hustle Loyalty Respect' t-shirt that not only was he about to clear out the ring of 8 to 10 wrestlers that are more technically sound than he, but he would wind up winning the match... and not only would he win the match but he would be in the Main Event at Wrestlemania 24... and not only would he be in the Main Event at Wrestlemania 24, but he would win the WWE Championship... and not only would he win the WWE Championship, but he would be taking it back from Randy Orton... and not only would the Main Event of Wrestlemania 24 most likely be a Randy Orton - John Cena rematch, but the backup plan would probably be a Triple H - John Cena rematch.

It suddenly made sense why after 4 months of a strong push - and to be honest, probably the best push I've seen the WWE give someone is a few years - Jeff Hardy lost clean to the top-heel/doofus man-child WWE Champion Randy Orton. He lost clean because he's going to be headed back to mid-card status faster than you can put your stupid hand in front of your stupid face and wave it and say 'You can't see me.' That's it for Jeff Hardy, folks. Oh... and Mr. Kennedy... yeah, that's it for him too. Why? Well, duh... Triple H has to turn heel again so that John Cena can feud with him so that Vince McMahon will love Triple H even more because he puts over the top guy and does the right thing for the company and Triple H can further slip his poisonous talons into the business that I used to love so much so that when Vince McMahon finally dies, Triple H will be in complete control of the Sports Entertainment World. Yes sir, the Connecticut Blue Blood will be the Connecticut Dictator. I call it the 'McMahon-Helmsley Conspiracy.' Obviously, there is no longer room for Mr. Kennedy at the top of the heel food-chain. I guess he and Jeff Hardy are planning out their 'Money In The Bank' high-spots right now... as John Cena goes to shoot 'The Marine 2.'

Speaking of which, I've heard Greg Batista is in the sequel. He plays John Cena's fellow soldier who John Cena thought for dead when their caravan was attacked by blood-thirsty terrorists during Operation Iraqi Freedom. Turns out he survived but had to have his left leg and right arm replaced with a robot leg and a robot arm... also he was kidnapped and hypnotized into hating America. Long story short, the bad guy whips out a revamped, evil Batista and John Cena's like 'Jesus! Batista I thought you were dead!' John Cena has to fight Batista but doesn't really want to because Batista was his buddy but it's ok because at the end Batista is dehypnotized when he remembers this one time that John Cena risked his own life to save Batista's during the war - which obviously wasn't the time that Batista was thought to be killed - and saves the day by killing the bad guy... and the bad guy is played by Christopher Walken.

OH, the pain! Shane! Where are you?!? I fear that you are the WWE's last hope. Come back to television! Save us!

Or perhaps this is what Chris Jericho is saving us from?

Regardless, John Cena is back and along with him will come shitty wrestling television shows. I hate him.

Lots and Lots and Lots of Pre-Raw Notes and Opinions 11/26/07

Lots to write about tonight my children...

Most important bit of news is Ric Flair's return to Raw tonight. It's not going to be as exciting as the 2nd Coming of Christ... er, Chris Jericho, but if booked properly it will be a helluva farewell tour. Disputably the greatest professional wrestler of all time, Ric Flair is going to wrestle his final match at Wrestlemania 24 in Orlando, Florida. Raw is in Charlotte, North Carolina tonight and I imagine Flair's pop will be bigger than Chris Jericho's was last week. What I find most interesting about Flair's return/farewell tour is how it will be booked and the fact that Steve Austin is lending his own ideas for a storyline. Rumors are circulating that he will have a title run that will end at Wrestlemania.

My initial reaction to Ric Flair losing his final match was 'What?!?,' but the more I think about it the more I like it. Both The Kidd and myself have been yearning for Flair to become either World Heavyweight Champion or WWE Champion for over a year. He is easily one of the top draws in the company and he is the dirtiest player in the game and he is more than deserving of one last title run. When I think of pro-wrestling champions, I think of Ric Flair first and foremost. If he is booked to win a belt and drops it to a deserving opponent at Wrestlemania - and when I say deserving I mean DESERVING (which is a topic of discussion for another day) - it will be a true 'passing of the torch.' The writers and bookers and Vince McMahon must be very careful and very smart about Flair's final 4 months in the WWE.

Speaking of possible Wrestlemania 24 spoilers, HHH wants to turn heel. HHH is best booked as a heel. He is a villian. Fans love to hate him. I lose respect for him as a face because he has the ability to book himself in anyway that he wants. HHH has the most political power any talent has ever had in any promotion and he could use that power to headline himself in a Wrestlemania main-event and win the WWE Championship. However, he is smart enough to know that that would not go over well with the locker room or any educated (by educated, I mean wrestling educated) wrestling fan. HHH's original idea was to book himself heel against John Cena a la Wrestlemania 22... with Cena out, the idea being kicked around is HHH v. HBK in Orlando. I don't like this idea. I like my idea of HHH v. Jeff Hardy. Jeff Hardy should get a title shot if not a title run. HBK should put over a deserving, younger wrestler. While HHH still has some years left in him, HBK is getting pretty painful to watch. He needs to be replaced and doing the job for someone at Wrestlemania is the right thing.

Speaking of Shawn Michaels, he has said that he sees allot of his younger self in Randy Orton. I guess this is a promising observation on Hickenbottom's part. Randy Orton can be a huge star. The potential is there. However, this title run he is on is not working out... at least as far as I'm concerned. I really liked his 'clean' win over Michaels at the Survivor Series, but - like Edge - Orton is trying too hard at being a 'bad guy.' Orton needs to study video of The Rock to learn how to convert his real-life personality into a professional wrestling persona. I have faith that he can one day be the top man in the company, but he is further away from that position now than he was six months ago. He is digressing.

Edge will most likely win the World Heavyweight Title in the next couple of weeks. I'm assuming this will set up a Edge/Taker feud culminating at Wrestlemania. I don't know how Batista is going to be booked over the next couple of months, but I don't think he fits into any interesting story lines. It's a shame because he was really growing on me... I'm serious... I can't explain it... I don't think any reasonable man can explain how Batista gets over. The Kidd believes it has much to do with his pyro. I guess I can agree with that.

As of now, these are the unofficial, unconfirmed Armageddon matches...
Chris Jericho v. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
Batista v. The Undertaker v. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship
Shawn Michaels v. Ken Kennedy
If seven months ago you had told me that these were booked matches and asked me to guess which pay-per-view event they were booked for, I would have replied 'Wrestlemania,' and pumped my fists.

Carlito - I don't know why I keep talking about him but I'd guess it's because I like his hair and when he spits apple - has officially given his notice to the WWE. He is being released and upon release will be allowed to work anywhere EXCEPT for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Hmmm... I wonder if Vince McMahon is feeling threatened... well, I did wonder if Vince McMahon was feeling threatened until I saw the Angle Family Thanksgiving dinner spot on Impact... it was sort of funny but not really at all... so bottom line, I really don't see TNA as a threat to the WWE... yet...

Mark Henry is headed to ECW. I like this move almost as much as I like the Shelton Benjamin to ECW move. I'm getting tired of seeing Smackdown guys 'appearing' on ECW, but if these Smackdown guys become ECW guys I'd be happy-- or at least as happy as ECW could possibly make someone. ECW needs a stable roster that consists of more than 9 wrestlers. CM Punk needs some talent besides John Morrisson to work with-- no knocking of John Morrisson, but I'm just bored of that program. And to be honest, I think that Smackdown is a little thick on talent. The World Title picture just got way too crowded with the return of Edge. There are five former champions (and that's just a quick count) on the roster that have held the title at least once over the last two years. It's going to be tough to book Batista without the Championship being involved and Rey Mysterio has gotten to the point of putting over M.V.P. on Friday Night Smackdown on the CW network.... didn't he win the title at Wrestlemania 22? Wow. So, Mark Henry to ECW is good for everyone involved... much like Shelton Benjamin's jump from Raw.

Bobby Lashley will be returning to action in early December. I don't know where he is going to fit in. He has a great opportunity to turn into the next Ahmed Johnson! I don't make that comparison because they're both black. I make the comparison because both wrestlers were taking strides in the company and both went down to injury and both did steroids (I can't prove this, but come on). Ahmed Johnson came back to a scenario that didn't need his presence and he lost his star power and he came back in horrible shape. As far as Bobby is concerned, Raw doesn't need Lashley and I don't think that many fans are going to be enthusiastic about his return - fans are excited about Christ Jericho... er, Chris Jericho... and Ric Flair and Jeff Hardy - and after the WWE Wellness Program controversy, I don't see Lashley being nearly as muscular or physically fit as he was when he went down with a 'shoulder injury.' Maybe he and Ron Simmons and D-Lo Brown can join Mark Henry in ECW and re-start one of the most racially degrading stables in pro-wrestling history: The Nation of Domination. Heck (and I use 'Heck' not 'Hell' because this is a family-friendly wrestling blog), maybe Cryme Tyme can get their jobs back also. Hey! Where is Ahmed Johnson anyhow?!? The Nation of Domination can return and it can be bigger than the nWo.

Enjoy Raw tonight! I'm expecting a good show. I'm excited to see Chris Jericho and Ric Flair. These two professional entertainers will easily take the broadcast up several notches. I'm excited to see Jeff Hardy in action (I've become a total Jeff Hardy mark, much to The Kidd's dismay). I'm excited to see Shawn Michaels and Ken Kennedy develop their program. I'm NOT excited to see Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes continue their awkward father/mentor/son/learner storyline, but I'm sure that I'm going to see them booked together in some sort of lame match around 8:34.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this novel of a post... sorry for the lack of posts over the holiday weekend...

Peace out.

- Seannie Wan