Royal Rumble...?

'What the fuck just happened?'
- John Kanteen moments after the Royal Rumble went off the air.


On behalf of the entire staff here at 'Outside Interference Wrestling,' and as head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface, I must apologize to the OIW Nation for the lack of posts and videos and pictures and polls and what has come to be known in some social circles as '...the most pro-wrestling fun on the Internet.'

I offer no excuses and I expect no sympathy as head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface of OIW. However, my colleague, and assistant to the head-editor/writer/idea man/athlete/babyface, The Kidd will be appearing at the Broadway Mall and trying to come up with legitimate reasons for our absence in your lives and assuming that you'll understand why we hadn't found seven (7) minutes over the last month and a half to type out the results of a Friday Night Smackdown.

The important thing is that during our hiatus, I've realized that I hate John Cena. I don't mean that I hate John Cena, the human being; I mean I hate John Cena, the WWE product. I don't hate the product of John Cena because he can't wrestle as well as half the talent in the WWE locker room. I don't hate the product of John Cena because is the ONLY attempt at a major story-line on the Raw brand. I don't hate the product of John Cena because he is a poor man's The Rock. I hate John Cena because he is crammed down my throat and I don't have the ability to refuse.

I am a wrestling fan and no matter how bad the WWE may get, I'm watching their show every Monday night. I get the same feeling of excitement and rush of adrenaline on the Sunday of a Pay-Per-View as I got when I was a 12 years old. I think that a well-constructed wrestling match, like Chris Benoit v. JBL at Wrestlemania 22, is art. I appreciate the amount of work needed to put a wrestling match together by both the performers and the announcers. I think a well-written storyline can be more compelling that many Hollywood films.
After last night's Rumble, I find myself questioning whether something I truly enjoyed my entire life is something I can enjoy anymore. But, I will keep watching.

I heard John Cena's music hit as the 30th entry into the Royal Rumble match and I knew that the show was over. Four enjoyable months of Monday Night Raw were flushed down the toilet. Great. My subordinates and I here at OIW have our Wrestlemania 24 tickets but we no longer have our Wrestlemania 24 smiles. That mother-fucker's music hit and I knew as soon as I saw him take off his 'Hustle Loyalty Respect' t-shirt that not only was he about to clear out the ring of 8 to 10 wrestlers that are more technically sound than he, but he would wind up winning the match... and not only would he win the match but he would be in the Main Event at Wrestlemania 24... and not only would he be in the Main Event at Wrestlemania 24, but he would win the WWE Championship... and not only would he win the WWE Championship, but he would be taking it back from Randy Orton... and not only would the Main Event of Wrestlemania 24 most likely be a Randy Orton - John Cena rematch, but the backup plan would probably be a Triple H - John Cena rematch.

It suddenly made sense why after 4 months of a strong push - and to be honest, probably the best push I've seen the WWE give someone is a few years - Jeff Hardy lost clean to the top-heel/doofus man-child WWE Champion Randy Orton. He lost clean because he's going to be headed back to mid-card status faster than you can put your stupid hand in front of your stupid face and wave it and say 'You can't see me.' That's it for Jeff Hardy, folks. Oh... and Mr. Kennedy... yeah, that's it for him too. Why? Well, duh... Triple H has to turn heel again so that John Cena can feud with him so that Vince McMahon will love Triple H even more because he puts over the top guy and does the right thing for the company and Triple H can further slip his poisonous talons into the business that I used to love so much so that when Vince McMahon finally dies, Triple H will be in complete control of the Sports Entertainment World. Yes sir, the Connecticut Blue Blood will be the Connecticut Dictator. I call it the 'McMahon-Helmsley Conspiracy.' Obviously, there is no longer room for Mr. Kennedy at the top of the heel food-chain. I guess he and Jeff Hardy are planning out their 'Money In The Bank' high-spots right now... as John Cena goes to shoot 'The Marine 2.'

Speaking of which, I've heard Greg Batista is in the sequel. He plays John Cena's fellow soldier who John Cena thought for dead when their caravan was attacked by blood-thirsty terrorists during Operation Iraqi Freedom. Turns out he survived but had to have his left leg and right arm replaced with a robot leg and a robot arm... also he was kidnapped and hypnotized into hating America. Long story short, the bad guy whips out a revamped, evil Batista and John Cena's like 'Jesus! Batista I thought you were dead!' John Cena has to fight Batista but doesn't really want to because Batista was his buddy but it's ok because at the end Batista is dehypnotized when he remembers this one time that John Cena risked his own life to save Batista's during the war - which obviously wasn't the time that Batista was thought to be killed - and saves the day by killing the bad guy... and the bad guy is played by Christopher Walken.

OH, the pain! Shane! Where are you?!? I fear that you are the WWE's last hope. Come back to television! Save us!

Or perhaps this is what Chris Jericho is saving us from?

Regardless, John Cena is back and along with him will come shitty wrestling television shows. I hate him.